My Hero, Shanna Moakler.

Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler both filed police reports this morning alleging they were attacked. Paris claims Moakler punched her in the jaw and Moakler claims Paris's ex Stavros Niarchos poured a drink over her head and shoved her down some stairs. The incident happened at Hyde at around 1:10 AM when Shanna confronted Paris and started screaming obscenities, at one point punching her in the jaw with a closed fist. The bad blood is the result of Paris getting it on with Shanna's estranged husband Travis Barker, and a source close to Paris reveals that Shanna has been leaving "menacing" messages on Paris's answering machine. Source

God bless you, Shanna Moakler - you had the balls to do what so many women have desired to do: punch Slutty McSlutterson right in her beaky face. You were being heckled by Paris and her entourage, had a drink thrown on you, shoved down the stairs by Mr. Nachos, and you decided to stand up for yourself and do something about it (at least that's the truth I choose to believe). You are a role model to many girls; Paris Hilton is not. Go Shanna go!

Straight outta prison...

...and looking like a hairless cat. What the HELL happened to her face?? She used to look, yes, a little crazy, but definitely not as bizarre as she looks now.

(By the way, this is rapper Lil' Kim)

Katie Holmes is enormous...

...or Tom Cruise is really very small. Okay, or maybe, just maybe, the camera is at a weird angle and it looks like she's a giant and he's a midget man, and I fully take advantage of said angle to mock the fact that Tom Cruise is freakishly small. Maybe that's it.

Gotta admit, though, that it looks pretty realistic. When are you going to run away, gigantic Katie? Run free! Move away from crazy Tom before you get hitched and you can't break free! You are very frustrating!!

Lindsay Lohan's drunken karate moves

She's quite the little dancer.

Screech wants to show you his rubber ducky

Ew. The look of pleasure on Screech's face (a.k.a. Dustin Diamond) is enough to make me vomit in my mouth. I guess this is a still taken from the beginning of his upcoming porn movie called "Saved by the Smell". Yes, it's true (although I still think my idea of "Shaved by the Bell" is better). So, if you'd like to know some of the sickening details of Screech's porn flick, you can go here to find out more information, because I don't want to even write about it.

I'll just leave you with two words: Dirty Sanchez.
Fucking WRONG.

Edit: you can check out the teaser video here (thanks, Tim!)

Mmm... hairy armpits...

I didn't want to post this, but I didn't want to be scorned for not giving the people what they want, a.k.a. really disgusting pictures of celebrities, so here you go. In case you don't know (or care) this is Fergie (Stacy Ferguson) from the Black Eyed Peas, and this is her at the premiere of some new something or other she's releasing, and that is her furry armpit. Okay, that's enough of that. I do not understand why, in the name of god, the armpit picture is so enormous, but I can't make it any smaller so you'll have to deal with this magnified version of a hairy armpit. Okay. I'm done now.

Jessica Simpson is a walking corpse.

...or else her stylist really, really dislikes her. Who wears brown blush? I think it's really sweet of her to give her little sister her time to shine, but dressing like a tranny who is limited to make-up only in shades of dirt is a little overboard. The switch is complete: Ashlee Simpson is now the hotter sister.

Scotty J & Rick Emerson - Storm's Welcome Back Party 9/20/06

...Rick had to talk me down from drawing a penis in front of his mouth. Out of respect for my boss, I will not be drawing said penis pointed toward his mouth... but if you'd like to, I'm sure he'd have no problem with it.

I know this is beating a dead horse...

...but god DAMN that girl is skinny. Look at the arm! What the fuck! Eat something!!! Buy new shoes!!! Don't snap your forearm with your purse!!

Okay, I just had to get that out. I really didn't think that she could get any thinner... I was wrong.

Justin Timberlake is HUUUUUUUUGE

ha.

It's your lucky day, boys...

...look who's kissing an "unidentified female (girl)friend" goodbye. Jessica Biel might like the ladies! I've heard (well, read, in the tabloids, because I'm a nerd) about her drunken nights of kissing girlfriends "as a joke", but hmmm... the nightclub seems to be missing, as does the alcohol, as does any other excuse there would be to be kissing a girl in the middle of the day. BTW, doesn't the other girl look kind of like Alyssa Milano?

Kate Bosworth IS the old lady from There's Something About Mary

No words. No girl's chest should look like that... especially when she's coined to be a "hot, up-and-coming actress". She played Lois Lane, for God sakes! That girl needs to eat, buy a bra, and stop STOP wearing low-cut shirts that show her chicken breasts. See, ladies; this is what happens when you starve yourself and tan constantly... yum.

ew.

Now, to be fair, these pictures could have been taken in a different sequence, and re-posted together to make it seem like Brooke Shields is doing something pretty disgusting... eh, probably not. Enjoy!

...and John Travolta continues to be bizarre...

Good god, this is just scary. So, this is a picture of John Travolta - really - on the set of the musical Hairspray. I don't even know what to write. It just looks so awful and confusing and bad while at the same time appropriate. I had no idea he was even in a musical, let alone starring as an obese woman in a nightgown. I'm assuming he's playing the mother, although I really have no information about this production - nor do I desire to have any. This picture is going to haunt me for days.

Paris Hilton: Arrested for DUI. boo ya.

From TMZ:

Paris Hilton was arrested in Hollywood early Thursday and charged with driving under the influence.

TMZ has learned LAPD officers noticed Paris driving her Mercedes McLaren SLR erratically at 12:31 AM and stopped her. They believed she exhibited signs of intoxication. We're told they administered a field sobriety test, and Paris blew a .08. In California, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level is the minimum level for DUI.

Paris was arrested and taken to the LAPD Hollywood division, where she was booked. The officers who stopped the car did not know it was Paris Hilton until they approached the vehicle on foot. Police sources say she was cooperative. Paris had a passenger in the car -- Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart's daughter.

Nicky Hilton, her boyfriend, "Entourage" star Kevin Connolly and her publicist Elliot Mintz arrived at the Hollywood police station just before 2 AM PST. A short time later, Paris was released on her own recognizance and allowed to leave (Note: The law enforcement booking document says she posted bail. That is incorrect. She did not).

Cops took a booking photo, which an LAPD spokesperson says will not be released. An LAPD source would not confirm if Paris glammed it up for the camera, but revealed "It doesn't look like Nick Nolte."

Mintz told TMZ that Paris had attended a charity event earlier in the evening. He said she had a single drink -- a margarita -- the entire evening and shortly thereafter she was stopped. She was asked to take a breathalyzer test when she was stopped and cooperated. She took a second test at the station. For the record, TMZ is told Paris is 5'9" and weighs 110 lbs.

TMZ spoke with Paris as she was driving home from jail, stopping for Parliament Lights cigarettes en route. She says she "regrets it occurred," and adds that she has been up for 24 hours, having shot a music video all day. (TMZ had exclusive access to the music video set and our video will be posted in a few hours.) Paris says she had nothing to eat and no rest the entire day.

TMZ spoke with Lt. Russ Wong, the watch commander on duty at the Hollywood station. He tells TMZ Paris received no special treatment, however he acknowledges he did not hold her at the station for the standard minimum of three hours. Lt. Wong says he released her after an hour and a half because a gaggle of paparazzi appeared at the station and posed a significant traffic hazard which he needed to abate. Lt. Wong says it's SOP to release a first-time DUI suspect without bail if a responsible party is there to drive them home -- Elliot Mintz was that party.

Driving under the influence is a misdemeanor. If convicted, the defendant will not be jailed, will be given three months' probation, and will be ordered to enter an alcohol program and will have his or her license restricted for 90 days.

Jessica Simpson : 80s hooker.

Dude. When they fall, they fall hard, and Jessica Simpson is looking a little worse for wear. Wow. I know that I have moments where I'm looking less than stellar, but this takes the prize - she looks like a drunk prostitute.

Suri Cruise. Eh.

I can't believe I've been waiting for this. Is it just me, or does the baby look slightly asian?

What goes around, comes around...

...as you may remember from last week, Paris Hilton was as happy as can be when she was escorted right into a popular nightclub as Tara Reid was denied and had to wait outside with the common folk. Alas, times have changed, and here is little miss Hilton waiting outside as she, herself, is REJECTED from entrance into a club (in case you care, it's Bungalow 8).

Oh, her sweet sweet tears warm the cockles of my heart. I guess you can't get everything you want.

I know she's the First Lady of Soul...

...but come on. Messed up is messed up, and she needs to tuck those babies in. Good god - I have nothing to say.

Wrong wrong.

wrong wrong wrong wrong. From the makers of "the Britney-birthing statue" and "the naked chest of Hillary Rodham-Clinton" I give you Suri Cruise's first poop. What is wrong with this world?