Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Open letter to Britney Spears.

Dear Britney,

I think it's time for you to say good-bye. No, not to your children - you already took care of that when you locked yourself in the bathroom holding one of them hostage, didn't show up for numerous court-dates to retain custody of said children, and neglected to show up in court yesterday for the last chance you had to get visitation rights.

No, not to your family - you've cut them out long ago, along with anyone who cared about the future of your life and career, only to replace them with creepy paparazzi dudes who spend their lives following you around and making money off of taking pictures of your vagina.

No, not to your career - that is long-gone, along with your figure, fashion-sense, sense of rhythm (see: "come-back" on the VMA's), your personal hygiene, your hair, your fake nails, your underwear, and your sanity.

No, Britney, I think it's time that you say good-bye to your life, that is, the way you live it. What are you doing? You spend your time shopping so the paparazzi can follow you, neglecting your children, taking multiple drugs, stripping naked in stores to try on clothes, flashing your vagina, shaving your head, talking in a British accent, screaming your head off at the people who follow you around taking your picture even though YOU - yes, you - call them in advance to let them know where you are and then eventually date them, and all-around just distract us from actual problems in the world. You have become such a crazy human being that you are constantly in the news, and until you remove yourself from the spotlight it's never going to stop.

Now, I'm not saying that I want you to die - in fact, I want you to get better. However, in doing that, I feel that you should get better far, far away - out of the public spotlight. Go to rehab. Get your shit together. Earn your kids back. Ditch the assholes that you are hanging out with who are bad for you and let people who love you back into your life. Buy some Pro-active. Stop wearing your wedding dress in public. Put on panties, for godsakes. Take out your hair extensions and be one of those pretty bald ladies who wear a lot of fabulous earrings. Throw out those goddamn brown boots that you wear every single day. Move anywhere besides LA.

You are an adult, and you being a "Disney child" doesn't mean shit (see: Christina Aguilera). Figure out that you cause your own problems, be a grown-up, deal with it, and stop sucking up our precious lives with the inanity of your bad decisions.

Ugh.

Sarah X Dylan

13 comments:

scamorama said...

Good job, Sarah.

Maybe she can have someone read it to her.

Seumas said...

My sentiments exactly, except I actually do want her to die. Or, rather, not actually die, but continue to progress in her downward spiral and constantly pushing the envelope of absurdity. She's an entertainer by trade and - for once - she's actually managing to entertain me.

If she left the spotlight and spend a few years getting her shit together, that wouldn't benefit me in any way whatsoever.

On another note, this is why I absolutely adore Sarah Dylan. Good god.

PS: I know I am a terrible person. My bad.

gay bob said...

Nice sentiment, Sarah, but it isn't going to stop until we, the public, stop paying attention to her. She is as much a monster of OUR creation, as she is of her own. So, Sarah, the first thing you can do is stop posting her bad behaviour on your blog.

Citroendork said...

Look Everyone
It's the Marilyn Monroe of the new generation!
Just as pretty, talented, and just as Fucked UP!!!!!

Seumas said...

We (the public) are never going to stop paying attention until she goes away. Look, we can't even stop being infatuated with some stupid blonde chick that disappeared in another country THREE YEARS AGO. And she wasn't even famous. Or important in any way whatsoever. Her greatest contribution to the world was being a not-entirely-ugly young blond rich girl.

So someone like Britney will continue to make headlines as long as she keeps holding her kids hostage. I mean, look, she followed the same trajectory as Michael Jackson and everything he did was "newsworthy" long after he was relevant. Same with her.

Honestly, where else have you gotten so much free entertainment in the last three years?

Nicolas R. said...

This is awesome. You're showing Britney more compassion than I would, to your credit.

Dr. Phil's buffoonery did make me feel momentary sympathy for Britney; and I suspect that MamaLynn may be gaslighting her more than we'll ever know.

*But*, even with Phil and MamaLynn and probably all her friends trying to use her for money or attention, Britney has more than enough money and power to get away from them and get legitimate psychiatric help, *if* she gives a crap about herself. IF. And if not, then I'll enjoy her continuing downward spiral!

Lakeman said...

Well done Sarah. Now if only somebody could get those sentiments through that impenetrable fog she's immersed herself in. If she did disappear and get her shit together, I might actually root her. As it is, she’s just sad and pathetic. (Actually she’s way past that now).

Open Letter Rob
(Of the “Open Letter to Scotty J”)

Jo said...

in the future.......britney spears would read this open letter flip out and go jump out of a airplane.

Seumas said...

You would root her? Ick.

Mykie said...

Sarah I'm SHOCKED that you can't be more lenient on this fine, upstanding young woman whom society is labelling and whom has no responsibility for her own actions. How COULD you!?

James D said...

She's getting all the attention she wants because people are dying to see her go to the store.If we turns our backs she just might go away.

Mykie said...

James, just PERISH that thought! She can never go away! How could we be expected to survive minute to minute without minor updates on her trainwreck? err life?

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